Baby's first cold.

Three days now. THREE! Three nights of no sleep. Three nights of getting up every 2 hours. Three nights of not being able to sleep because I hear noises that scare the absolute shit.out.of.me! Last night I was having to share my bed with a 4 & 6.5yr old. Crying because his butt was itchy but not before waking his Brother up. I say he was just over tired because he never sleeps. Why dont the kids in this house know how to sleep!!?? I get the baby, he's sick. The other two? Always stuff around at bedtime, always up at 6 - or just after.... and straight away FIGHT / ARGUE / DOB / WHINGE! FML! Today I just want to run and hide. I want to sleep. I want to dream. I want the sunshine to come out. No more cold and wet and crappyarse days!
Getting my hair done on Tuesday for the first time in over 9 months! Sad. I need to get my eyebrows done too. Need a whole body make over too. Need a million dollars too.
I feel like I need to come to terms with the fact that I am not the Mum / Parent that I want to be. I thought that this solo parenting gig would be ok. Turns out I suck, and I rely ALOT on my Husband. Most likely alot more than anyone should rely on another person.

I still feel alone. Wish I had someone to talk to. Dont know what I would say but I want that option. Someone who really cares and helps. Had the 4yr old pack his bag and tell me he didnt want to live with me anymore. {contents of bag were - toy camera, dreamworks cards, Charley Bear and his homework folder - clearly has his priorities right! Not even 1 pair of clean jocks in sight!} That night sucked so bad. Might not ever make mashed potato again, if thats what Im going to get. I thought mash potato was yum. Clearly its move out of home material. My bad!
Im so tired, exhausted and overwhelmed today. I want to stay in bed with a few rekorderligs, something yummy to eat and a chick flick or two. Then I want to sleep for eleventy hundred years and I dont want to be disturbed once. Not once.
Started to get some ideas together for painting this shithole. Dont know why I feel like throwing money down the drain, I mean... Its not like painting will ever be done properly or even get finished. Heck, I've still got a half painted kitchen / dining area from about 4 years ago!! Maybe 3. Or Maybe 2. I cant remember but it wasnt yesterday. It should have been done already. So many things should have been done already. The bathroom got renovated about 2 years ago and we still havent got a shower screen so water pisses everywhere and has warped some of the new cupboard. Still hasnt been painted. Nothing gets finished because we're too lazy or too poor.
Its so fricken hard to be a parent and be responsible for so many things in life. Wouldnt change none of it for the world though. Except for the sleep part. Kids should sleep from 7pm - 7am school days and 8pm-9am on weekends. It should be hardwired into their dna or some shit. God or Apes or who ever created us, there's a recommendation for you to look into for future humans.
Tomorrow the Husband is home for a few days... I cant bloody wait. I've missed him so much.

And just like that, a good day goes bad.

WHY is it that I could get more out of a brick fricken wall than I can out of my 6 & 4 year olds?? They are really good kids. They just have bad days. Yep, I know - dont we all!! :/ *sigh*

This afternoon, straight after School pick up they decided to trash the house... fight with each other.... ignore me.... cry when I said no eggcellent cake for afternoon tea.

Wanted to do a movie night. Aint happening now. Early bed replaces the movie. Just havent decided if thats for the Kids or for Me.

So over the arguements. So over the carry on. So over this day.

And just like that, a good day goes bad.

Today is a good day.

Today has been a good day.

We walked to School. My 4year old and I made up our own recipe for a cake - it was eggless and tasted 'eggcellent'!! :) haha. I've cleaned a little and I've smiled alot!!

The little things in life truely ARE the best!!!

Our eggless 'eggcellent' cake!! :)  
{Im guessing amounts as I didnt measure...}

2 cups SR flour
1 cup Plain flour
3 tablespoons raw sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
4 tablespoons EVOO
3 tablespoons butter {not margarine}
enough milk to mix the batter to make it thick but mixable
1/2 cup chopped macadamia nuts
3/4 cup frozen raspberries


{Next time I will add another 2 tablespoons of sugar OR some jam.... to help with a little more sweetness... Tried to make it not so sugary...}

Mix all together and bake....

Icing -
Icing sugar, little butter, some milk.

I think more people need to remember this. *I* need to remember this. Hubby needs to remember this. Why wont they stay small!!?? :(



I signed a petition today, keep our children safe!!! I wish all disgusting {insert swearwords} need to be sterilised, castrated, put in jail for life so they can have the same disgusting things done to them as they do to our children! Dont ever let them out. Ever!!

I feel like the fatest mermaid in the world! Lost 10kg after having bubs, put 4 back on in 2 months. Epic fail! Must get motivated. Must get energised.

Must.get.off.my.fat.lazy.arse!

Let it go. A lesson I am slowly understanding, not actually doing.YET.

I want to get the below tattoo on my wrist but having it say let it go.








** for the record **
NO!! Let it go as a tattoo is NOT about the Frozen movie. We all may be a little obsessed with the movie round here... But my tattoo is for MY reason, not because that song so totally rocks!!

I also want to get these two tattoo's somewhere... Maybe on my shoulder blade.... Not sure how to incorporate them into one or close together, but they are on the top of the list.

N.B. the names & birth dates are not my children. *all* tattoo's are from google images.

A little random never hurt anyone. Today is a good day.

9 Years.

Today is our 9th Wedding Anniversary. Together for 11 years, married for 9. So many tears and tantrums along the way but so many happy times and tears from laughter too!!
I even got a present from my baby this morning. He crapped his pants. Literally!! It was THAT bad that it went through his nappy, singlet, onsie and pants! I hadnt even been able to have a coffee yet. It wasnt good. My 6year old went to School with me 'dropping and running' this morning with no tears. WITH.NO.TEARS! Made me feel so proud! I dont like tears. Especially from him. He is sensitive like me. Like really sensitive. I love that kid!! 
Today I find myself wondering does my Husband know how much he means to me? Like REALLY know... I wonder some days. He is the air I breathe, the reason I get out of bed in the morning. I rely so much on him and I think that scares him. The kind of love that if I cant have you, no one else can!! {not in a bad way, Im not going to 'go all crazy lady on his ass'}. I need him! He is not just my Husband but he is my soulmate, my rescuer, my 'bring me back to earth' person, he is my bestest friend in the whole entire world!! And as my 4year old would say - "I love him as big as the whole world of concrete!!" If only I knew what that meant! Funny kid that 4yr old!! On bad days he really gives me the irrates when I want to be alone and not talk to anyone, he makes me talk to him. I dont think he realises he does this but when he just does.not.shut.up... It makes me talk to him!! It irritates me to no end!! But then I hug him and thank him because he is just what I need! I remember he doesnt actually irritate me, he reminds me of the person I want to be. Of the Mum I want to be. He teaches me so very much every single day and if there would be more people like him in this world, the world would be good! He will say things like "I could knowed" when he means I couldnt have known. "I take my eye on you Mum!" when he means he is staring at me and watching my every move from getting out of the car to go back in the house to get something that I had forgotten, the whole time - he watched me!! He will tell complete strangers at checkouts that he farts! He has this humor about him that even he doesnt understand. He pulls faces when he talks, he emphasises most words when talking because to him everything is exciting and he cant tell me quick enough about the thing I have only just seen myself. I like that kind of play by play running commentary he gives me every single day! He is the first to climb onto my lap for a snuggle and he is the first to always say how much he loves me!! I know for a fact he loves me as big as the world of concrete, as big as a huge dragon, to the moon and the stars and back, as big as Trisha the elephant. To be loved that much by a 4 year old just melts my heart! I love him that much and to infinity & beyond too!!
Its my 9th Wedding Anniversary today and while I want to spend the day and night celebrating with my Husband, I find myself wanting to share it with our three Sons also. I dont ever want to do anything without them. I find myself torn by whats right. I know whats right. I have to make sure my relationship with my Husband remains as strong as it once was. In the last few years its struggled. Possible separation was mentioned a few times when we lived up north. Things didnt get much better, havent gotten much better since we moved back. It will be better. We are working on it every single day! We will fight!
Tonight he is surprising me with taking me out somewhere, most likely for food. Everything is always about food. We havent properly celebrated an Anniversary for many years so this will be just what we both need. Some much needed time alone, no argueing or fighting from the kids, no flustered parents trying to enjoy a night out. We will have a good night out. Without the kids.

Life isnt a walk in the park at the moment. Im not sure it ever is. Today, whilst like any other day filled with housework, attempting to dodge the rain at School drop off & pick up times and looking after my children, it will be a good day!! Something to look forward to always makes the day that bit brighter and easier to get through!

Happy Anniversary my love!! I love you as big as Trisha the elephant!!! Cheers to the next 9 years and beyond!!! xxxxxxxxx

Dear Hamish

Dear Hamish....

Who are you supposed to talk to when you feel alone? Where do you go to be alone when you need to be? You put it out there to the world, or to a person that you are having a hard time and what do they do with that information? Some like to think they offer helpful advice, some dont know what to say, some just dont care so they fob you off. In the end, I find that I have no one to REALLY talk to. You spill your inner most deepest thoughts to someone and do you feel better for 'getting it off your chest' or because 'a problem shared is a problem halved'.... Who made up those bullshit terms anyway?? Because I never feel like my problem has been halved by telling someone how shit things are for me at that moment in time. I mostly feel worse for it! Telling them how much I struggle from time to time. Telling them how bad our finances are. Telling them everything. Opening up negative verbal diahorrea that once you start talking, you cannot stop. Crap that I've been trying to bury deep below but always seems to surface at some point or another, normally at the worst time. Even when you plain as day point it out to someone - "IM HAVING A HARD TIME AT THE MOMENT AND IM NOT COPING!" or "IS IT OK IF YOU PLEASE HAVE THE BOYS OVERNIGHT OR FOR A COUPLE OF NIGHTS" how more DIRECT can I get to ask for help!!?? You always get the comments from people - "dont be stubborn, ask for help", "Im here if you need me", "how are you".... Seriously, some people should just not speak!! I totally get when people dont know how to help, but when its freaking SPELT OUT to you... uhhh thats how you can help!!!
Feeling so alone is not a nice feeling at all. Im sure many can relate!! For me, I am always there for others! I dont be there for others to recieve something in return, I do it because I care and thats who I am! I do however, wish that just once... Just once someone would return the favour and just be there for me. Sometimes I dont even want to talk, just be there. In highschool I had friends who were real. I had friends who cared and at the drop of a hat they'd be on your doorstep. Been through alot with those people. As an adult I've learnt many lessons. I have a habit of 'allowing' people to treat me in a bad way, to walk over me. I wish that I didnt, but when I finally wake up to the bad situation that I find myself in, I am made out to be the bad guy. The one who is in the wrong. I call bullshit! Its not fair, its heartbreaking but life goes on. My life goes on, theirs still has me in it to the extent of them talking rubbish, always having something to say about why I do the things I do, as if every move I make has something to do with her. Sorry, who are you again!?!?  Fuck off already!!
Im nearly 32 years old and I have finally learnt that lesson.... The lesson that *I* actually do matter. That I actually do deserve to be treated the way I treat others. That I am WORTH something. That my feelings do matter and they need to be recognised!!
I make choices every single day in attempt to raise 3 healthy Boys. Boys who have good manners, respect for THEMSELVES and others, who can make good choices - and own their bad ones {& learn from them}, who know that each and every day I live and breathe for THEM {& their Dad!!}. My every second of every minute of every day is spent trying to better myself for my family. I know Im not perfect and I make alot of shitty choices, but I will continue to strive to be better. They deserve the very best and I plan to do the very best that I can - no excuses!!!
I find myself wondering whats next. I dont know what the answer to that is but I know Im struggling with who I am. Besides being the Mum to 3 gorgeous Sons and the Wife of the most amazing Man. I used to have things to do, places to be, people to see. Now I find myself not knowing who I am or who I want to be. I dont know what career I want to go back to once my youngest is in School. I dont know how to push past this 'rutt' that I seem to be in. I find myself home and alone and sad and lost. I need a journey to find ME again.... Hopefully I can do that here. I want to find Me.

Not having anyone to talk to and I mean REALLY pour my heart out without feeling like Im bringing someone down or like they're only listening to find out gossip or like Im talking to a brick wall because they dont actually help anyways.... Its bloody hard so instead of letting it all build up, Im going to blog it out!! I need to remember my good days too!! My memory is already shot to shit so I need somewhere to remember the good times, the funny times and especially the hilarious things my 4year old comes out with!!!




Far out I can carry on sometimes.... Note to self.... Get.a.life!

Love,
         Me x

Some of my favourite quotes! :) 

N.B
Hamish is a name I made up. A name I wanted for my second childs middle name, Hubby didnt like it. Writing to 'Hamish' makes me feel like Im writing to someone. That someone is reading what Im writing. Yes, Im often off with the pixies and make shit up to suit myself. 
Dunno why I wrote all that^^ talking to myself again!! ;)