Who are you supposed to talk to when you feel alone? Where do you go to be alone when you need to be? You put it out there to the world, or to a person that you are having a hard time and what do they do with that information? Some like to think they offer helpful advice, some dont know what to say, some just dont care so they fob you off. In the end, I find that I have no one to REALLY talk to. You spill your inner most deepest thoughts to someone and do you feel better for 'getting it off your chest' or because 'a problem shared is a problem halved'.... Who made up those bullshit terms anyway?? Because I never feel like my problem has been halved by telling someone how shit things are for me at that moment in time. I mostly feel worse for it! Telling them how much I struggle from time to time. Telling them how bad our finances are. Telling them everything. Opening up negative verbal diahorrea that once you start talking, you cannot stop. Crap that I've been trying to bury deep below but always seems to surface at some point or another, normally at the worst time. Even when you plain as day point it out to someone - "IM HAVING A HARD TIME AT THE MOMENT AND IM NOT COPING!" or "IS IT OK IF YOU PLEASE HAVE THE BOYS OVERNIGHT OR FOR A COUPLE OF NIGHTS" how more DIRECT can I get to ask for help!!?? You always get the comments from people - "dont be stubborn, ask for help", "Im here if you need me", "how are you".... Seriously, some people should just not speak!! I totally get when people dont know how to help, but when its freaking SPELT OUT to you... uhhh thats how you can help!!!
Feeling so alone is not a nice feeling at all. Im sure many can relate!! For me, I am always there for others! I dont be there for others to recieve something in return, I do it because I care and thats who I am! I do however, wish that just once... Just once someone would return the favour and just be there for me. Sometimes I dont even want to talk, just be there. In highschool I had friends who were real. I had friends who cared and at the drop of a hat they'd be on your doorstep. Been through alot with those people. As an adult I've learnt many lessons. I have a habit of 'allowing' people to treat me in a bad way, to walk over me. I wish that I didnt, but when I finally wake up to the bad situation that I find myself in, I am made out to be the bad guy. The one who is in the wrong. I call bullshit! Its not fair, its heartbreaking but life goes on. My life goes on, theirs still has me in it to the extent of them talking rubbish, always having something to say about why I do the things I do, as if every move I make has something to do with her. Sorry, who are you again!?!? Fuck off already!!
Im nearly 32 years old and I have finally learnt that lesson.... The lesson that *I* actually do matter. That I actually do deserve to be treated the way I treat others. That I am WORTH something. That my feelings do matter and they need to be recognised!!
I make choices every single day in attempt to raise 3 healthy Boys. Boys who have good manners, respect for THEMSELVES and others, who can make good choices - and own their bad ones {& learn from them}, who know that each and every day I live and breathe for THEM {& their Dad!!}. My every second of every minute of every day is spent trying to better myself for my family. I know Im not perfect and I make alot of shitty choices, but I will continue to strive to be better. They deserve the very best and I plan to do the very best that I can - no excuses!!!
I find myself wondering whats next. I dont know what the answer to that is but I know Im struggling with who I am. Besides being the Mum to 3 gorgeous Sons and the Wife of the most amazing Man. I used to have things to do, places to be, people to see. Now I find myself not knowing who I am or who I want to be. I dont know what career I want to go back to once my youngest is in School. I dont know how to push past this 'rutt' that I seem to be in. I find myself home and alone and sad and lost. I need a journey to find ME again.... Hopefully I can do that here. I want to find Me.
Not having anyone to talk to and I mean REALLY pour my heart out without feeling like Im bringing someone down or like they're only listening to find out gossip or like Im talking to a brick wall because they dont actually help anyways.... Its bloody hard so instead of letting it all build up, Im going to blog it out!! I need to remember my good days too!! My memory is already shot to shit so I need somewhere to remember the good times, the funny times and especially the hilarious things my 4year old comes out with!!!
Far out I can carry on sometimes.... Note to self.... Get.a.life!
Love,
Me x
Some of my favourite quotes! :)
N.B
Hamish is a name I made up. A name I wanted for my second childs middle name, Hubby didnt like it. Writing to 'Hamish' makes me feel like Im writing to someone. That someone is reading what Im writing. Yes, Im often off with the pixies and make shit up to suit myself.
Dunno why I wrote all that^^ talking to myself again!! ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment